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Okay, get ready for a lot.
Okay, so I totally came out to my family a couple days ago. We fought a lot, and I was grounded for about a month because I lied to them about going to see someone without their permission. I told them everything because I thought "Well maybe nothing can get worse" so I told them everything and surprisingly my mom and dad were very understanding of it all. They said the reason I was grounded wasn't because I was gay. They said it was because of the lies. I said I understood, but really I couldn't help thinking that being gay was the reason.
Now a couple of days after the big talk, after all the tears, yelling, and debating, I am back to normal. Or so I thought until I went insane over things. I feel like I shouldn't even have gotten involved with this guy in the first place. He kind of let me down, and now he has a boyfriend, and I'm happy for him. I really am. But I somehow find myself being jealous and envious. I find myself being mad at myself for not doing what I thought I could have to save us. I thought that I wasn't good enough. I thought that I just needed to stop.
I just got done reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower". It has got to be one of the most amazing books I've ever read. But I say that after every book I read, haha. But seriously, this book is amazing in the way that it depicts how fucked up and confusing high school life can be. I related to it so much. I found myself crying most the way through it. Every time I saw a part about love or people loving eachother, touching, sex, drugs...I just couldn't control myself from crying. And when I read about the character being gay, I couldn't believe it. I just read and read, relating to it so much.
I mean, why do I even try? I think that so much. But I know I really don't mean the things I say or think when it comes to me and love. I know these things won't mean a thing to me 10 years from now, but it is my life now. It is happening now and I'm trying to get through it. I need to get out.
Everyone I like is straight. Everyone I liked and went out with, turned me down. Everyone I've kissed. Everyone I've shared myself with...they've turned their hearts away from me. I put myself out there, and I get shot down. I risked so many things for him. I risked lies and a lot to be with him, and then he tells me he doesn't want to get involved after he makes out with me and holds my hand. He should've just told me from the beginning. I don't know what I'm accomplishing by typing all of this. But it kind of is a relief to finally get it all out.
So, if you read all this, my thanks. To those who skimmed, thanks anyway. To those who didn't read at all, you won't even see this, lol. Anyway. Comments or not, I feel better now.
If you live in Austin, Texas and you're single, gay, and from 14-17, let me know, lol. My sister told me I need to meet people. She's right.
-Austin
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shadowed__light's journal
